The Perfect Dream
A few years into our relationship, I could see a change in him. He became less interested in me, and he seemed to care more about going out with friends then spending time with me. I felt so isolated as I didn’t have anyone other than him and because of this, the cracks in our relationship started coming up to the surface - every other day there was an argument or a problem. I remember an incident when he made innocent text messages between my university friends about coursework into an argument, he accused me of being an ‘unfaithful character’, and stopped talking to me for weeks. I was so reliant on him that his disappearing act made me go crazy and desperate for him, that I would beg him to forgive him – even though I had done nothing wrong. I felt like I had to prove my innocence, so I would do as he said - change my number, delete social media and even stop talking to my friends.
I was so blindsided by the terror of losing him that the truth was he could have treated me in any way he wanted and I would never have left him, but he knew this and used it to his advantage. I sit here and I wonder how on earth did he manage to get away with so much? How did he manage to accuse me of being an ‘unfaithful character’, at the very same time when he was being the unfaithful one? The short answer is that he was in control.
When I got my dream job in the City, things started to change. I finally had something else in my life to occupy me and make me happy, but he didn’t like it because suddenly there was something else in my life. I cared less about keeping him happy and I think he realised this because that’s when he started to give me attention – when he realised he was losing his grip on me but reality was he always had me wrapped around his finger.
Man of his words
Regardless of our issues, he painted a picture of a perfect future. A family home with children running around, but when the time came to fulfilling this dream his circumstances didn’t allow it. I was so desperate to start a future with him, that I went to my father and told him that I was ready to get married, but we would need help to buy a home in London and because my parents wanted to give me everything and ensure I was happy they gave me everything without questioning me.
The only reason I went to my parents was because I wanted him to be happy and have no financial stress. The idea was that my parents would help with the foundation of our future and we would build on it and as cliché as it sounds – live happily. But again, it was another lie because he didn’t do anything and my father become the sole financier of this perfect dream. We found the perfect home, but I wasn’t happy. His ungratefulness and the realisations that he couldn’t support our new life was making me lose a lot of respect for him. I started to see that he wasn’t a man of his word I still married him because I had become so passive to his mindful games.
Luckily for him, I wanted a humble wedding and my father didn’t want anything except my happiness. He made no attempt to pay me a dowry or contribute towards the wedding. The only thing he gave me were gold bangles – which disappeared every time his mum was angry with me.
He never seemed to understand or appreciate how much I did for him and even the day before the wedding I was running around sorting things out. I was having to sort out and pay for things that he should have done, and do last minute things for our new house.
Nothing seemed to be going right.
We were arguing about everything and I was so stressed out that I even said that I didn’t want to marry him, this made him panic and actually say that he couldn’t live without me. this show of affection melted me because I thought he needed me and was showing me some love.
I vowed to do it right this time
He let me dream and then he trampled all over them – and me.
Regardless of everything, I still saw him as my future and I thought once we got married, everything would be fine - it was a fresh start.
I vowed to do it right this time – in front of God. I could have had a fairy tale wedding, but reality was in the back of my head there was a terror in me that screamed that my past would repeat itself, so I decided on a simple Nikkah – a humble event, just a 100 closest friends and family, a vow in the house of GOD and people’s prayers as gifts. But it wasn’t my dream wedding, so I would have my simple Nikkah and then celebrate our 1 year anniversary with an English reception. I had thought of everything, it would be in a grand manor house, me walking down the aisle in a white dress and he would be waiting for me at alter looking lovingly at me, surrounded by the smiling faces of our loved ones. He let me dream and then he trampled all over them – and me.
When you marry someone, you believe that they will protect your secrets, again my sweet-talking husband, gave me what I wanted to hear. He promised that no one needed to know about my past – a loving gesture that I was grateful for. So how surprised was I to find out that the day after my Nikkah, with both our families around us, he had betrayed me. How did I this happen? Well, when his mother screamed ‘You fucking Bitch, you are the reason why my son split up with my niece, and don’t think I don’t know about you and your past’. I froze as she looked me up and down in disgust. Now, which bit was I meant to digest first? The bit where he was married or the bit where he broke his promise of keeping my past a secret?
I had to make my marriage work
Less than 24 hours after my Nikkah, my husband had his fists practically inches away from my father’s face and I had to choose between the two kings in my life – the one who raised me and the one that promised me my entire future.
That day, I didn’t choose my husband, but I went back home with him. I had to make my marriage work but my husband didn’t share the same mentality.